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Have you been in this situation? Because of a significant gift, a donor begins making more and more demands for recognition, appreciation and influence. Sometimes this is done explicitly; for example, when the donor wants special privileges to change how their naming opportunity looks even after the design of naming opportunities has already been decided. Sometimes this is implicit, such as a hint about a Board seat or employee hire. Recently, we have seen this with the college admissions scandal (and indictments!) through nonprofit colleges. The heart of the matter is that the donor is consciously or unconsciously serving their self-interest or, in for-profit terms, maximizing their profit with their donation.

We know the damage this can be to the nonprofit. When a major donor is on the Board, governance discussions are swayed by the pressure of receiving ongoing gifts from that donor. When a donor is seeking to redeem their reputation in a community through the nonprofit’s recognition of the gift, the nonprofit is tainted by the scandal in the opinion of those aware of the scandal. When a major donor requests recognition and appreciation that is contrary to the nonprofit’s culture, it can give the impression to staff, donors and volunteers that money trumps mission.

The impulse to acquiesce to the donor’s bidding comes from a number of sources: our beliefs about money and wealth; our fear of scarcity and not receiving future gifts; our willingness to sacrifice everything to serve our mission; our tendencies to people-please; etc. There is another source, too. Our commitment to donor-centered fundraising and serving the consumer (the donor). Yes, appreciating and acknowledging the donor’s gift is how we show our gratitude; we can simply take it to extremes if we are not careful.

When I lived in Germany as a high school exchange student over 20 years ago, I was stuck by how differently I was treated in stores. Until living there, I didn’t realize there was another view of customers. In America, we have that saying, “the customer is always right.” Most American business owners can tell of stories where the customer was wrong, but the owner acquiesced or felt pressured to acquiesce in order to keep the customer. In Germany, the culture was different: “the customer is never right, unless proven overwhelmingly so to be right.” As the metaphor goes, fish don’t realize they are swimming in water and, even if they are told, they quickly forget. This consumer culture is the water we swim in for nonprofits too.

There is a flip side too. What damage does it cause the donor?

The more benefits and recognition we heap on the donor, the more we reduce the pure delight of being generous and doing good. Think of the last time you did something good for someone or something in secret. As you are reflecting on that experience, if I could see your face, I betcha that you are smiling, right? That feeling expands our heart to want to do more good and to give more. We even have a name for this: “big hearted.” When we acquiesce to donor’s requests for more and more recognition, we may give them a temporary shot of good feelings, but we are robbing them of the long-lasting feeling of doing good with no reward and of the expansion of their heart to do even more good.

We can also damage their character and soul. When we place donors in the hero’s role, building the pedestal higher and higher, they can begin to believe they are THE hero. The fable of the Emperor’s New Clothes reminds us of the natural progression of this belief. The donor becomes more wise in their own eyes and more prideful in their giving. And, it affects their ability to be humble and self-aware of their own failings (we all have them, right!).

Is this impossible to change? No. A few weeks ago, I was meeting with a major, major donor. In the course of the conversation, I found out that, for years, he was selling appreciated stock, paying capital gains, giving the donation anonymously, and not taking a tax-deduction. No one knew of his gifts. When I told him about transferring appreciated stock to avoid capital gains, he paused and then said, “I didn’t know that. [pause] Why would I do that?” He wasn’t interested in receiving a benefit – a tax benefit – for his gift. In reflecting on this, no nonprofit had initiated the conversation with him with an outline of the self-interested benefits of giving. Instead, he saw, and was told, that his gifts would serve the cause, the mission. Pure and simple. Is this hard to change?

Yes. The first step is an awareness of our own selves. What conscious and unconscious expectations and motives do we have when we give? How are we treating someone differently based on what they can or cannot do for us in our personal lives? To change the culture in our fundraising positions, we have to start the change in ourselves.

As I write this, I am speaking into my own life, my own soul.